Bye Bye Han-cock – if any politician ever lived up to their name it was you

Matt Hand-to-cock should never have fallen on his sword.

Because (a) it doesn’t sound that far to fall and (b) because he’d have needed to prise his “aide” Gina off it first.

No, the crooked, reptilian, affected phoney should have been sacked immediately by his boss. But as the boss in question is a founding member of the Crooked Reptilian Affected Phoney (CRAP) Club it would have looked hypocritical beyond belief.

So instead we had Bozo insisting the matter was closed (unlike the mistress’s legs) and we should all swallow hard.

Thankfully we got to the bottom of it when the wave of revulsion overwhelmed Coco and he resigned.

Though he is possibly the only man to turn a resignation video into a pathetic, apology-free blowing of his own trumpet.

But this is probably better than someone else blowing it for him, which is what got the idiot into this mess in the first place.

And no I haven’t finished with the penis jokes because if anyone ever put the cock into the name Hancock, it’s him.

Look, "bloke in power has affair" shocks no one at all. But bloke in power who does so with the hired help WE pay for in OUR time in an office WE basically own while breaking every one of his own hateful rules is all of our business.

From day one of the pandemic, Hancock has been the scaremonger in chief. And I for one will NEVER forgive him for instilling the hateful “don’t go out, you’ll kill granny” message.

  • Matt Hancock told wife he was leaving her 'the night before aide kiss revealed'

Not only was it untrue, it was also irresponsible beyond belief.

Because when it came to killing grannies, it was a power-crazed man baby who allowed elderly Covid sufferers to return to their care homes.

And then lied about it. Ring of steel ­obviously means as much to him as the band of gold on his poor wife’s finger.

  • Matt Hancock aide packs bags and flees marital home over CCTV of alleged affair

And that’s before you get to the PPE, the dodgy contracts for mates, the millions wasted on not-fit-for-purpose test and trace, and the fact that even hopeless, lying rule-breaker Dominic Cummings reckoned Handcock was a hopeless, lying rule-breaker who should have been sacked at least 15 times.

You really couldn’t make any of it up. Though to be fair when it comes to re-writing the truth, Bozo cracks it. Now he’s even implying he did fire the Health Secretary.

Gosh, if only there was an opposition party to get to the bottom of all of this…

  • Matt Hancock shows 'no shame' in 'arrogant' resignation speech after affair with aide

Handcock was more hands-on than anyone with the funerals rule of 30 while getting more than hands-on with his equally married, mum-of-three lover.

Even mild-mannered TV presenter Trevor Phillips lost his temper over this. He buried his 36-year-old daughter with a Zoom funeral during the height of the pandemic.

And who can forget the heartbreaking scenes at Milton Keynes crematorium when the son was dragged away from hugging his grieving mum?

  • MPs caught canoodling over the years as Matt Hancock snog with aide exposed

Not to mention even the Queen sticking to the rules and sitting forlorn and tiny while saying goodbye to her husband of 73 years?

Perhaps the writing was on the wall last year when it was revealed that the Health Secretary’s chum, Alex Bourne, had mysteriously won a Government Covid test kit contract despite having no experience in the field.

Bourne ran Matty boy’s local boozer in Suffolk. Its name? The Cock Inn.

Something Mistress Gina is probably very used to asking.

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